6.26.02 – earwigs and sex toys

my new apartment is full of earwigs. i hate earwigs. zeke is really good at spotting them, but he won’t eat them. he just sort of goes on point and meows at the floor where the earwig is, and then i have to be the creepy-crawly whomper. tonight i scooped one up with an envelope and carried it to the kitchen sink. i shook the card. the earwig clung tight. i flipped the card harder. suddenly the earwig was gone, but there was no sign of him in the sink. that began one of those oh-my-god-the-earwig-is-on-me dances, trying to brush off all my clothes and hair at the same time. i never found the earwig, so now i’ve got that skin crawling sensation that lasts for hours after a close encounter with a spider.

a concerned reader writes in to assure me that an archer wand (see entry below) is a brand of dildo. it really sounds more like a dorky sort of D&D weapon to me. [rolls the dodecahedron dice] “a six! ha! with a flick of my archer wand, i inflect toe-curling, spine cracking orgasms on the evil troll so that i can pass safely across the bridge while he pants in oblivion.” ah, well. we can tell where i spent my time in high school. no prom night sex, but i did play a pretty mean elf.