12.17.02 – Providence, RI
traveling in american teaches one to love franchises. they’re familiarity in a strange town – the home depots and starbucks, chilis and walmarts – big neon signs that beckon from alongside the freeway. franchises are comforting because you know what exactly what you’re going to get – it might be mediocre, but it won’t be a surprise. starbucks will always be over-priced and highly caffeinated, the waitress at chilis is the same regardless of what city you’re in. home depot won’t have the hospitality of a mom-and-pop hardware store, but it sells exactly the same products all across the country. consistency is the secret to the success of the franchise. life on the road is plenty unpredictable – i don’t need any more surprises when i go for coffee.
the above rules go for hotels, too. based on my large sample pool, i’ve arranged the following budge motels into a sort of hierarchy.
Days Inn falls at the bottom of the heap. their idea of continental breakfast is usually a box of Ho-Hos and some Sunny D. worse yet, they’re dirty, poorly equipped, in bad locations and poorly staffed. avoid at all cost.
Econolodge crawls in next. they skip breakfast and the in-room coffee altogether, but they’re usually clean, if short on amenities and small.
Harvard Johnsons usually leave something to be desired in terms of room maintenance, are stingy with the towel allowance. breakfast should be approached with a higher-than-average level of suspicion as to the freshness – beware of sour milk or rancid apple juice. sanitation level is average.
Best Westerns are the wild-card of the budget motel. they run from really grotty to fairly posh, and you never know which it’ll be till you arrive. chances are, the sanitation will be passing but not exemplary, hotel soaps and coffee are basic but included, and breakfast is something more than a stale Danish. some days you’ll score an indoor pool, but on the other hand, there was the place in Memphis that was running a pawn shop out of the conference room.
Comfort, Quality, and Clarion Inns are all varying levels of the same franchise: Comfort will be the plainest, followed by Quality, and in Clarion Inns you might even expect a hot breakfast or an indoor pool, and certainly hallways. Comfort Inns will usually be the sort of motel where the room doors open directly to the parking lot, Quality might have hallways, and you’ll probably score an in-room microwave and fridge.
Ramada Inns will be basic but very clean and in good working order. i’m partial to the geometric design on the complimentary soaps and shampoo bottles. guess what you’ll all getting for Christmas this year….
Holiday Inn is the jackpot of the cheap hotel lottery. rooms will be clean and in good repair. extra towels and in-room coffee, included a packet of decaf, are a standard, and the desk clerks always speak English, have a good working knowledge of the city, and are willing to give directions (not a grantee in any of the other motels listed here). Holiday Inn Expresses have the best continental breakfast out there, plus perks like free cookies in the afternoons. The full holiday inn will have a hot breakfast, but they make you pay for it. There’s the possibility of scoring a HoliDome if you stay in the Holiday Inn, and that’s when you’ve really hit the jackpot.
this might seem petty, or at least excessive, to those who haven’t lived in motels for a significant period of time. the other day i was complaining about some hotel to my mother and she said, “oh, i figure if the door locks and the sheets are clean, the place is fine.†“yeah, but you don’t live in motels full-time,†i told her. “my standard have gone dramatically UP.†when you’re staying in a motel that doubles as a brothel, it’s too much to assume that the sheets are clean and that the door locks – better double check.
