12.16.02 – Trenton, NJ

(retroactive posting due to connectivity problems…)

so i had dinner with an ex-boyfriend last night. there are few things as gratifying as reaching that state of mutual healing such that both people can genuinely wish the other well. we’re far enough down the emotional/relationship/life events that it just doesn’t sting anymore. it takes years to get there, and it’s not a state that you can will yourself into. you grow accustomed to the hole in your heart, and then one day you wake up and it’s gone. the heart has regenerated, long after you ever stopped believing it could.

the following might seem to contradict the above claim of complete healing, but i can’t resist:

ex-boy: wow! your hair looks great! the whole way down here i was thinking, short or long, short or long? i like it a lot.

ex-boy: 0, jen: 1

jen: here’s a picture of my boyfriend.

ex-boy: neat. here’s a picture of my fiancee.

ex-boy: 1, jen 1

jen: you know why we were never meant to be? you never took me seriously as an intellectual.

ex-boy: really? this isn’t just the wine talking?

jen: no! you never listened to what i had to say about books.

ex-boy: wow. i’m sorry i was such an asshole.

ex-boy: 1, jen: 2

ex-boy: i was shattered when you told me you were dating someone new.

jen: you dumped me! it was my right to start dating first.

ex-boy: i know, but that doesn’t mean that i wasn’t completely traumatized.

ex-boy: 1, jen 3

jen: that girl you dated in japan, after we broke up? the bossa nova singer?

ex-boy: oh, that was just because i found out you were seeing someone, and i needed to be, like, “see, i have sex too!”

ex-boy: 1, jen 4

dinner was a rousing success, i have to say. pat, pat the ego. it took a pretty serious beating over this boy, even though it was a long time ago.