12.23.01 – jen who?

went to dinner tonight with one of the actors, our director and her husband, who is the artistic director of the theatre. the restaurant turned out to be this super nice candle-lit affair, with yummy food that i couldn’t really afford but fortunately jane treated us. dinner conversation was a little lopsided, since much of it consisted of discussing people in The Biz that i don’t know, seeing as how i’ve never even been to NYC and these guys all work there most of the time. i attempted to keep up my end of polite conversation, but mostly i ended up feeling like the poor baby intern, country bumpkin who didn’t have anything interesting to contribute besides comments about the weather, terrorist attacks, and well, that was about it. it wasn’t until i got home that it occurred to me how thoroughly tired i am of trying to be someone else. i don’t know exactly who that someone else is, but i suddenly felt like i’ve been keeping up this complicated charade any time i leave the house. i like stage managing, and i love theatre, but i’m starting to hate this job because of the way that my stage manager treats me like something that got stuck to her shoe, and everyone else is so bloody pretentious and condescending. i’m determined not to let my boss drag me down to her level, so i’ve pasted on this permanently cheerful persona. i feel like Small Talk Barbie. i can make polite conversation until i barf, but what i wouldn’t give to have a real conversation with just one of my co-workers. fuck, i’m tired.

thank god for my roommate hannah, who is cool and sweet and unpretentious and understands what a bitch my boss can be, and so that when we’re at home i can actually chill out. i’d trade all my fancy dinners out for a night of drinking beer with the old gang.