11.21.01 – the life and times of a nerd

watched the new episode of buffy last night. woo, buffy and spike finally got it on. i figured it had to happen eventually. it’s a dramatic standard: build sexual tension between lead characters for approximately 2 seasons (2 hours if we’re talking stage), and then either you gotta kill one of them off or let them go at it. yes, this is what my life consists of these days: inspecting the soles of my feet and watching buffy reruns (with my parent’s cable tv package, buffy is on 13 times a week. how am i supposed to be a productive member of society with that sort of temptation? the cute thing is that my parents have become buffy junkies as well.)

it’s not so bad, i’m only unemployed until dec. 4, at which time i’ll be living in buffalo sans tv, and working crazy overtime hours again. those of you who know me personally know that this is the most down-time i’ve had since i was about 8 – i think i’m handling it fairly well, being the type-A over-achiever that i am. i suspect (at least in my case) that over-achieverness is actually a mask for general insecurity. if i’m hard on myself, then i achieve more, and then i have a reason to feel like i have self-worth.

i was going to write a treatise on the idea of self-worth here, but the more i think about it the less i understand it. what makes someone value themselves? is it an innate belief, like religion: “i know i am valuable because i know.” is it a goal that one can reach: “i know i have self-worth because i did all these good things.” is it like the carrot on a stick in front of the donkey: “i know i will have self-worth if i go a little bit farther, do a bit more.” is it something that has to be constantly maintained: “i know i have self-worth, but if i stop achieving i will lose it.”

the never-ending circle of over-achiever-ness is something that gets developed early on in school, i think. i get good grades, my parents are proud of me, which makes me feel good, ergo, good grades = self-worth. the cycle continues as long as the education system lasts. by the time i got to college, i met a whole lot of people like myself who use achievement like a drug: it’s the only way to feel good. sort of masochistic, yes. sad, probably. i finished my degree a year and half ago, and i’m slowly figuring out how one lives a positive, happy life without depending on constant academic approval. maybe i just substitute other forms of approval now. there’s a simpsons episode in which school gets canceled, and lisa freaks out and begs her mother for validation – marge scribbles an A on a blank piece of paper, hands it to lisa, and lisa heaves a sigh of relief and sticks the paper to the fridge door. god, that’s a great show.

it’s 2 am on thanksgiving eve. i have to sleep in order to face the family tomorrow, so these musings will have to remain in the unformed infantile phase that they’re now in. see? i’m apologizing for my own blog. guilt and over-achieverness are a wicked combination. i blame the catholic church.