sensei socked me in the jaw during training tonight. it didn’t really hurt as much it just scared and surprised me. i’ve seen him rough up fellow aikidoka dozens of times, but i’ve rarely really been in the hotseat myself. i’m too much of a beginner for sensei to really take notice of me; he usually leaves the training of the beginners to other teachers, but this was a small class and there were no more experienced students for me to hide behind. the thing is, sensei is so very good, with reflexes like a cat, that i don’t think that he ever connects with someone unless he means to. which means that sometimes, he means to. teaching via tough love and all that. he tells you to move faster two or three times over, and if you don’t meet his standards, he hits you to drive home his point.

i got through the last 5 minutes of class, out of the dojo, changed clothes, and into my car before i burst into tears. i have this sense that tonight was either 1) the last time he makes me cry, or 2) my last day of training. i’m not sure yet, since i’m teching a show i can’t go to class for the next few weeks which lets me delay the decision. there’s this fine line, with teaching, determining just how far you can push someone before you cross from motivating to intimidating, with diminishing returns. i feel like we crossed that line, for me. so, what next? will i tough up, or wimp out?