ah, bookish dork that i am.

i’m pretty sure the art of letter-writing has all but been abandoned by my generation. after college there were a few attempts amongst friends to send hand-written letters, but those were few and far between, and with one recent exception, it’s been years since anyone has hand-written me a letter now. even my grandfather, who wrote a letter to each of his five grandkids every week for all the years we were away from home for college and beyond, he too switched to email about five years back.* i’m not complaining, mind you, because in this modern world we have email and facebook and twitter and cell phones and text messages and blogs and as a result i talk to so many more far-off friends than i would if we had only the post as a means of communication. the same thing that bugged me about my own hand-written letters – their imperfections, my inability to edit and tweak the language after i’d written it – are the same things that make me totally cherish letters i receive.

handwriting is like fingerprints; no two people have exactly the same writing, and the shape of the characters speak of so many things: years of schooling, an impatience with or attention to detail, an aesthetic, the emotional state of the writer, the time of day or place or writing surface, even the physical musculature of the writer. it’s all in there. there’s something so personal (and increasingly rare) about something penned in a person’s own unique writing. the handwritten letter is like an artifact from someone’s life, that paper, that pen, that moment is captured and preserved in the paper in a way that defies the world of electronic communication. the drip of diner coffee hastily wiped off, the slightly greasy stain from writing on the kitchen counter, the worn edge where the letter, half finished, served as a bookmark for the writer between paragraphs.

in the tradition of japanese calligraphy, the qualities of each line on the paper reveals the state of the artist’s spirit. to paint a single stroke correctly, the student of calligraphy must be completely focused, centered, their breathing controlled, energy concentrated in the hara. the trained eye can see when all is not centered; the line is weak, the ink turns grey and thin, the line does not have the robust energy it should. i imagine that probably everything we do/make/create might reveal the same things about us if were trained to see them; without a focus of spirit and intent, nothing we do holds the same meaning. the intention is revealed in the form and qualities of a thing.

*i’d always know when his computer was broken, because i’d receive an envelope in the mail that was his email, printed out and folded up and mailed.

tofu asparagus stirfry with peanut sauce

success in the kitchen tonight! the original inspiration was this asparagus stir-fry recipe from 101cookbooks. but i didn’t have about half of the ingredients it called for, so when i got home i just started improvising, and i have to say i’m rather pleased with what i came up with. so:

tofu asparagus stir-fry with peanut sauce

chop and prep all ingredients in advance because it cooks quickly once you start cooking.

ingredients:
two cloves garlic, minced
about 1″ of fresh ginger root, minced
vegetable or sesame oil
sea salt
red pepper flakes
3 tbs peanut butter
1 lime, juiced and zested
extra firm tofu, cubed
1/2 bunch asparagus, chopped into 2″ pieces
1 cup spinach, de-stemmed
about 15 large basil leaves, rolled and sliced into strips
brown rice, prepared according to package

peanut sauce:
heat a small amount of vegetable or sesame oil in a small frying pan. add half the garlic and half the ginger and saute for a minute or so (don’t let it brown). add peanut butter, the lime zest and the lime juice. thin with water as needed, and whisk into a creamy sauce. take off the heat and set aside.

saute tofu and veggies:
heat some oil in a frying pan. add the remaining ginger and garlic, and a few shakes of red pepper, and tofu. add a couple of pinches of sea salt. saute for 3-4 minutes, until the tofu starts to brown. add green onions and asparagus and cook until the asparagus is tender-crisp. add the peanut sauce. add the spinach and cook for about 30 seconds until the spinach starts to wilt. add the basil, stir, and take off the heat.

serve over brown rice. yum!

five nice things

i’m okay everyone, i swear. though you do all make me feel well-loved, and for that i am grateful.

the thing is, knowing in advance that something will be hard doesn’t actually make it any easier. i knew this move would be tough. it’s just that i’m in the middle of it now, and, as it turns out, it is, in fact, very hard on me. at least everything is going according to plan, right?

but here, to show that i am making an effort, i’ll blog five nice things about my day in california today:

1. i will never feel superfluous at my new job. it’s a little like trying to drink from a fire hose, but i’m definitely not going to be bored any more.

2. the drive from mill valley down the 101 and over the golden gate bridge this evening was spectacular. no fog, golden sun, everything lush and in full bloom. whomever said that lake shore drive was the most beautiful expressway in the country definitely hadn’t been to northern california.

3. something old: dinner with H at Ti Couz (16th & Valencia), one of my favorite restaurants in SF from the old days (the smell of the buckwheat crepes, upon entering the restaurant, took me straight back to my college years), and

4. something new: Bi-Rite Creamery (at 18th & Dolores) for dessert, which sets the bar for ice cream in a whole new place. two scoops: salted caramel and lavender honey. so good i’ll forgive them their wanton disregard for the english language (Bi-Rite? huh? did they mean Buy Right or something else entirely?)

5. my run this morning. three miles up a long slow grade, stopping at the top to take in the amazing view: on a fogless day like today i could see all the way into downtown san francisco, the bay bridge, the bay, all glittering in the sun. then three miles back down hill, my stride hitting a rhythm halfway and it felt like flying.

in lieu of fireworks, there will be a pity party in the treehouse tonight.

i have a friend who, of his own admission, has a tendency to break up with and then get back together with girlfriends over and again. it’s a grass-is-always-greener sort of thing. in a lot of ways, it’s a rather apt analogy for my departure from chicago. now that i’ve been away a few weeks, i miss it so bad it hurts. and i look around and think, “i had a wonderful life there! what on earth made me leave it?” and i can’t remember a single bad thing about chicago. i remember only the good times. sound familiar? yeah. it’s just like breaking up with someone. there’s some reason why you did it, but now that a few weeks have gone by, you can’t begin to fathom what the reason was or why you didn’t stick it out and figure out how to make it work. yeah, i was bored with my job, but i had a good promotion on the table at my company in chicago. it wasn’t quite the direction i had intended for my career to go, but maybe i should have been more open to taking what life presented me instead of trying to mold my life around some idea of what i want to be when i grow up. i know the winters sucked and i hated commuting but…i had friends there. i had family. i had a place. here? here i have a job that is the work of three people which i will never be equal to, not for lack of trying or talent but because it’s not humanly possible. i have my cat, who, let’s be honest, is kind of a jerk as cats go. i have a hilltop apartment full of spiders. i have…a saturday evening to myself, and it’s like one big pity party in here. well, crap.

heraclitus wrote that “no man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” of course chicago is still there. people i love are still there. but when someone told me not to worry, because if california doesn’t work out i can always go back, well, i’m not so sure about that anymore. yes, i can go back, but it will be a different chicago. chicago kept moving on without me there. getting in the car by myself and driving out of the city was one of the hardest things i’ve ever done, and if i knew how i’d feel right now, i probably would never have had the courage to do it. whether that was the best decision or worst mistake ever, it’s not yet clear. but i don’t think it’s so simple as going back. it’s not the same, and i’m not the same.

last fall, i attended a conference for young theatre managers here in northern california (and it’s actually how i got this job, come to think of it…) a workshop speaker said he had a few hard truths for us: “one: no one cares about your art more than you do. and two: no one’s coming.” he repeated that, several times, while the room chuckled uncomfortably: “no one’s coming.” that is, no one is coming to save the day. it’s all on you.

my first night away at college i remember being alone in my dorm room and absolutely petrified of going downstairs to the dining hall by myself. i literally couldn’t move my feet down the hall. i was about to bail on the meal entirely and hide in my room when valerie, who lived across the hall and down one door, popped her head in the room, introduced herself and said, “want to go down to dinner together?” it was a simple invitation but she had no idea how grateful i was for the kindness.*

i came home this afternoon, and, alone in this apartment that’s been mine for all of two weeks, looking at the havoc i have wrecked on my personal life, i have to accept: no one’s coming. no one is coming to invite me to the dining hall.** no one is going to save me from this. this mess was of my own choosing.

fortunately (for everyone), my capacity for self-pity is matched only by my inability to sustain it for any significant period of time. it was a heartbreakingly beautiful afternoon in Mill Valley (every day is), and i sat out on the porch amongst the trees and the sunlight, and i cried until i was out of tears. then i dried my eyes, walked down the hill to the market, and bought some asparagus for dinner. i came home, made dinner, and resumed the unpacking and settling into my new apartment. i can’t undo the choices that i made, or get back what i lost. i can only go forward and try to make a good new life here. spiders and all.

* and it led to what is now nearly 13 years of friendship, plus the beginning of what has been life-long awesome roommate karma.
** more as a metaphor, here – i do technically have people who will go to dinner with me now and then. but i’m not in a college dorm any more, and there’s no res ed department concerned with manufacturing my social environment for me.

no longer unemployed

i’ve started and failed to finish a whole series of posts about my new home (lots of spiders, deer in the front yard at twilight) and new town (people are so small-town quirky and friendly, it’s like i live in the west coast version of that town the Girlmore Girls live in, only everyone here is all tanned and into mountain biking after work).

i’ll get to some of that, but the past few evenings, given the complete lack of nightlife/social life here in the MV, back aching from shoving boxes to and fro all day, i’ve curled up in my arm chair in the front room and read or re-read all the scripts of the plays we are producing this season*. and they are great. all of them. it’s good to have a reminder of why i did all this: why i put myself through all the work of itemizing and evaluating and selling or donating or packing and unpacking and sorting every one of my belongings, the administrative detritus of closing and reopening utilities and bank accounts and registrations and addresses, through the dismantling of my personal life and all the doubts and regrets and heartache i’ve incurred on that front. when i start work tomorrow, it will be such a relief to finally be spending my days thinking about something besides moving. and to start doing what i am good at (what i will hopefully continue be good at): making good theatre. it’s definitely not going to be easy, not this first year, or probably the years after that, but i believe in these plays. it always, in the end, comes back to the text — i learned that working in a company that produced classic works and now that i’m back to doing new work, it resonates even more clearly. i want to make theatre that has some teeth to it, some truth to it. it’s okay with me if it’s messy around the edges. but if there is a moment of truth, if there is a moment of perfect beauty — i live for that, i will turn my life upside down and move across the country for that. and each of these scripts strikes some chord in me somewhere. now, let’s see if i can realize them in a way that strikes a chord in the audiences and artists that come in my doors. when, tomorrow, they become my doors.

* which are, for the record: My Name is Asher Lev, by Aaron Posner (adapted from the novel by Chaim Potok); Boom, by Peter Sinn Nachtrieb; Sunlight, by Sharr White; Equivocation, by Bill Cain; and Woody Guthrie’s American Song, by Peter Glazer

father’s day blueberry muffins

i invented this recipe while cooking brunch for my family today. since it’s father’s day, i decided that’s what i’ll name the muffin recipe. not very original, but…whatever. when i bake them i’ll think of family, and that’s nice. the key to this recipe is the little bit of rosemary and thyme* that offsets the sweetness, and thenthe lemon just sort of perfumes and binds it all together. but go easy on the herbs, or the muffins will get a am-i-a-sweet-or-savory-food? sort of confusion about them. oh, and don’t waste time with frozen blueberries. they just lose all their flavor when you process them. better to wait and make this recipe when you can get fresh berries.


mix dry ingredients:

2 c wheat flour
1.5 c white wheat flour or unbleached white flour
1/2 c white sugar or whatever more natural granulated sugar product you prefer
5 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
fresh or dried rosemary to taste
fresh or dried thyme to taste
zest of one lemon

mix wet ingredients:
1/2 c butter, melted and cooled slightly (so it doesn’t cook the eggs on contact)

2 eggs
1 c milk

gently mix wet and dry ingredients until just blended, then fold in:
1 c fresh blueberries

cut together with pasty cutter or food processor the crumble topping:
1/2 c flour
1/2 c plain oats
1/2 c brown sugar
1/4 c butter (cut into chunks kept very cold until use)

place batter into muffin cups (lined with paper if desired) and top with crumble topping
bake at 400 degrees for 25-25 min

makes 18-24 muffins


oh, credit where credit is due: the addition of rosemary is an idea i got from www.101cookbooks.com.