5.12.01

all those junior-high-school-what-if-no-one-comes-to-my-party fears were very nearly realized today, as guests kept calling and canceling or just going MIA. somehow i guess i failed to communicate to the people i invited that this was my going-away-for-an-unspecified-yet-long-period-of-time party, and that it actually meant a lot to me that they came. there were plenty of valid excuses: out of the state/country, stuck in the theatre, theses are due tuesday, and so forth, as well as some that were just plain flaky. but it all adds up to the fact that i’m moving away on wednesday and won’t get to see a lot of these people again for some time. the gang showed up tho, and 7 of us managed to chomp through most of the food i’d made, and we had a very merry time. we watched the KFOG-Kabom fireworks from alma square. fireworks are the only thing in this world that can still make me feel like a child – thrilled and awed and overwhelmed and very very tiny.

as the last of the guests left, i stood on the street and watched them move away as a group, and a voice in my head said, “they are my family now. what am i doing moving away from them?” what i’m really doing of course, is running away. running away mostly from all the bad shit that happened in the past eight months. i realize it’s irrational, but there’s a part of me that imagines that being back in boise will make everthing better, just because life was once easy when i lived there. and i supposed i’m running away from all the un-fun parts of being an adult that the past year entailed, as if leaving san francisco behind will somehow erase all of that. somehow, i just felt like i needed a chance to catch my breath in a place that moves at a slower pace. slightly teary, i walked inside. zeke was waiting for me in his usual place in the front hall, mewing, his mouth open like a baby dinosaur. “guess you’re my family now, babe,” i told him. it sucks when you can’t pack your whole family into the car and take them with you everywhere you go.