1.22.02 – it’s Self Help Day at the slithy tove

yesterday when i went to blockbuster to rent a movie i knew that they were going to slap me with a big old late charge for when i returned It’s A Wonderful Life about five days late because of the blizzard. the girl told me i owed an extra 8 dollars and i made a pretty good case for not having to pay it since the snow was deeper than the clearance on my car, but she said she couldn’t let me out of it because blockbuster had stayed open during the blizzard and gee, i could have walked here. usually when this sort of thing happens i cave and pay the late fee just to avoid conflict but i’m very proud of myself of holding my ground and getting her to bring the manager into the debate. he gave me half off the late fee which was enough to make me feel like i’d won. go me.

have been thinking a lot lately about geography, and myself, and my career. i’m longing to be back in the west again, whether it be in california with my friends or idaho with my family. i’ve always been a really independent person, and in the world i grew up in, independence is valued above all else. only recently have i realized that i’ve confused independence with geographical and emotional isolation. being independent translated to being far away from my friends and family, and somehow that’s how i ended up working way out here in new york, far away from everything i love. it’d be one thing if it were a really exciting and fulfilling job, but gee, i can be exploited like this anywhere. and it occurred to me that i am blessed to have a family that i not only am on good terms with, but whom i actually really enjoy spending time with, and friends who are wonderfully special people. so why am i so far away? out of some sort of weird sense of duty that tells me i’m not grown up unless i stretch my wings and go far away from everything that is familiar. something’s not right here.

for most of my life, i resented the fact that it seemed like i had to do everything important on my own. from grade school on, it always seemed like i was the one joining sports teams, clubs, classes, jobs, etc, on my own, when everyone else seemed to have a friend with the same interests and goals. then, a couple of years ago, i was in kyoto, contemplating the zen rock garden at Ryoanji temple and i had this epiphany: my path is alone. it’s not that i’m doing something wrong that leaves me on my own, it’s that my path through life is meant to be a solitary one. this also made sense at the time because i was in a long term relationship that was drifting apart, so that the more time he & i spent together, the more isolated i felt from him. so i accepted (reluctantly) that i was meant to go through life on my own. i didn’t think it would keep me from ever having meaningful relationships or friendships, but i felt convinced that there was no soul-mate, no The One waiting out there for me – i had to go it alone. the realization was mind-blowing, frightening but ultimately was a relief to finally understand something in my nature that i’d always been chaffing against.

these days, as i’ve been thinking about issues of independence and isolation, i wonder if i was correct in thinking that my path was predestined to be a solitary one, or if maybe i only got halfway through the epiphany that day: my path is a solitary one, but it’s solitary because i make it that way. maybe this isolation is something that i’ve always created, like an energy field i set up around myself so that co-dependence is impossible and the goal of independence is guaranteed.

when i was at stanford, i used to refer to a social phenomenon i called the cult of success – nearly everyone i knew felt compelled to prostrate themselves to ambition, relentless self-improvement, and success (whether that be financial success, research results, books published, discoveries discovered, etc). paul once told me that i’m the most proactive person he’s ever met. he’s probably right about that. i have always let the cult of success guide me through decisions about my life, relationships and career. it’s a way of covering up for a lack of self-worth. i’ve written about this before, so i won’t go all over it again – somehow accomplishments translate to a feeling of self-worth, and so it becomes a drug. type-A’s like me think they can’t be happy unless they are constantly stretching toward some new goal.

so maybe the idea is that i need to learn how to generate a feeling of self-worth on my own, instead of depending on accomplishments and new goals to make me feel like a good person, and maybe then i move to a place where i don’t unconsciously isolate myself from the important people in my life.

the question is: if independence isn’t geographical and emotional isolation, what is it?

i’ll have to ruminate on all of this some more before it really makes any sense, but hannah needs the phone line now, and i need to sleep.