a: this wine cost less than the bottle opener.
j: [shrugs and keeps drinking]

that's it. the monster is born. Sam Shepard's The God of Hell opened tonight. you know, my grandparents worry about why i'm not having (or making immediate plans to have) chldren of my own. instead of children, i birth plays. it takes the same creative energy that i imagine raising children requires. i know some families where both parents work in theatre, but i can't imagine it. i couldn't possibly do both. there's no money, we both work till midnight. on my day off i go work at my other job (accounting at a dentist's office). there's just not enough left of me to go around.

i keep thinking this'll get better. maybe it doesn't get better until i figure out how to make changes.      

and another thing, what's with me not being able to eat a greasy fast food meal if i want to? i remember a time when a cheeseburger, fries and a coke were a balanced meal. i can still metabolize the hell out of a milkshake, but suddenly i realize i'm eating all healthy all the time, noticing grams of trans fats and fiber on the back of the package before i buy it, trying to eat something green every single day, all that boring grownup stuff. and what's the deal with my ankles aching in the mornings? and not being able to pull all-nighters anymore? i want my invincible 16-year-old body back.

I blame the job.

so i really, really, almost never eat at McDonalds. like basically never except occasionally an egg mcmuffin sans-ham when i'm in an airport. but today I was coming home from working downtown, and pratically everything was closed because of labor day and how only suckers like me have to work, and i don't know what came over me but I did something I haven't done in years -- consumed a 3-piece chicken strip meal complete with fries and a coke. ugh. the funny thing about fast food is that buyer's remorse sets in about 30 seconds after you wipe your mouth with the greasy paper napkin. the reinforcement is so immediate that i can't believe i ever still get tempted into going there. now, nearly six hours later, i'm sitting here still feeling like i ate a wedge of lard for lunch, my stomach rumbling in ominous dissent. gross. i will eat nothing but salad and brown rice until my digestive system has forgiven me this transgression.

i work too much.