it's not that i'm trying to make a slow exit from the blogging world. it's just that lately, i feel as tho i have nothing left to give. no creative energy left over after all the "have-tos" have been done. my writing has dried up, i've been remiss in my friendships, both near and far, and when i do get an evening off, all i seem capable of doing is vegetating in front of the television or behind a book. believe me, this is not a state of affairs I would like to maintain indefinitely. i'm just trying to get by right now, to breathe into one day at a time, keep believing that my ship will come in, that this will somehow get easier.

so, the brief update:

we're considering moving to a new apartment a little further north of where we live now. it's hard to consider leaving our neighborhood, with its abundant take-out thai food, 2 minute-walk to the yoga studio, conveniently located public transit and strangely colorful residents (is that a halloween costume, or are you just always like that?). on the other hand, the place we live now feels, well, like living in a dorm. temporary quarters in an exciting district whose noise pollution frequently intrudes on one's sleep. and there's a lot of barf on the sidewalk after the weekend, which i find most unpleasant. the other apartment (belonging to a friend who is moving in with his boyfriend) is on a quiet, tree-line street. it has a garage (so that someday we might own a car), a backyard, an extra bedroom - in short, it feels like the sort of place one could make a life. so, are we going to do what we said we'd do, and settle down and make a life here in chicago? good question.

in rehearsal for a new show. the play is good, and i'm working with a set of designers and actors i enjoy very much, which is making a difficult play/process easier. and i do love the strange things i learn for each production - this time around i've learned everything there is to know about interior moulding, confetti cannons, and how to get a gigantic, scary gothic chandelier custom built for under $300.

trying to decide what to be for halloween. it's another sign that i'm not living my life right when i realize that the past 3 years i've been too busy to dress up for or celebrate my favorite holiday. when i was a kid i had my halloween costume planned out in detail by august, at least. i am open to suggestions, one and all...

i have a car! (of sorts). chicago finally has a car-share service (www.i-go-cars.com). after paying a one-time membership fee, i can now walk two blocks from my house to where a shiny new honda is parked, drive wherever i want for $6/hour, and everything - gas, insurance, maintenance, parking - is taken care of. yay, car-shares.

still working for the dentist. since i've gotten to a place where i can process insurance claims and schedule patients with my eyes closed and brain half-turned off, i begged my boss to let me take on new tasks for fear i might die of boredom. so now i'm learning how to take x-rays on patients, sterilize equipment, pour models from impressions, and other thing that are at least interesting while i'm still learning them. i have no intention of becoming a dentist (working all day long under those fluorescent lights, looking at people's yucky moldy mouths, no thank you), but these marketable day-job skills are always useful to tuck into my back pocket for future times of unemployment. actually, i'm just trying to get to a point where i do enough messy lab work that i can wear scrubs instead of uncomfortable/expensive "office" clothes to work in.

thinking of taking the winter off from stage managing (so i'll just have two part-time jobs, instead of three), and taking a stage combat class and a class in copy-editing (thinking of more flexible day-job possibilites for the future).

see? so now you know i'm not dead, just really really boring.

my favorite moment of the day is twilight - that moment after sunset and before darkness, when the air around you is dark, but the sky is still light and the trees and buildings are sharp, black silhouettes. it is the quietest time of day, the moment when the earth holds its breath. the other night, i was on the train coming home from work, and i looked up from my book and out the window at the twilight, and thought, when i am old, all i want is to spend every evening sitting on a porch somewhere watching this moment, holding my breath as the color drains from the sky and the darkness gathers. it is the closest thing i know to peace on earth.

i like noting the little mile posts of time passing in my life. the phases of the moon. the subtle turning of the season. when our first year's lease is up. like the previous month's mile post, this is another one: its the first time i've lived in the same dwelling for an entire year since i left my parents house eight years ago. we did it. managed to dig our heels in and stay in one place for a whole year. and while a friend is in fact tempting me with his soon-to-be-vacant, much-posher-and-cheaper-than-ours apartment, we are leaning toward just staying put for a while. having some continuity, or as much as one can have and still be living paycheck to paycheck.

usually the autumn brings a sort of melancholy to me, but this year there is something comforting about the gathering fall. the leaves have just barely begun to turn, but already it is dark when we rise for work, and dark as i take the train home at the end of the day. today was the first really cool day, scarf-weather, and right now the radiators are creaking back into action with a comforting series of clanks and hisses that always precede the warmth, filling the air with the pleasant scent of warm dust.