6.26.02 - earwigs and sex toys

my new apartment is full of earwigs. i hate earwigs. zeke is really good at spotting them, but he won't eat them. he just sort of goes on point and meows at the floor where the earwig is, and then i have to be the creepy-crawly whomper. tonight i scooped one up with an envelope and carried it to the kitchen sink. i shook the card. the earwig clung tight. i flipped the card harder. suddenly the earwig was gone, but there was no sign of him in the sink. that began one of those oh-my-god-the-earwig-is-on-me dances, trying to brush off all my clothes and hair at the same time. i never found the earwig, so now i've got that skin crawling sensation that lasts for hours after a close encounter with a spider.

a concerned reader writes in to assure me that an archer wand (see entry below) is a brand of dildo. it really sounds more like a dorky sort of D&D weapon to me. [rolls the dodecahedron dice] "a six! ha! with a flick of my archer wand, i inflect toe-curling, spine cracking orgasms on the evil troll so that i can pass safely across the bridge while he pants in oblivion." ah, well. we can tell where i spent my time in high school. no prom night sex, but i did play a pretty mean elf.

6.23.02 - if you keep writing, i won't have to...

today's selection wins the award for the oddest piece of fan mail:

Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002 20:03:36 -0400
Subject: Slithy-tove
From: jen lxxxxx
To:

Hey Jen,

Do you have a photo of you on your site? I found your pages by accident and
want to find out what you look like so I can play with my archer wand while
thinking of your articulate lips.

woo! women never hit on me. i'm more than just a set of articulate lips, i'll have you know.

6.21.02 - international karmic DOO DOO

today's selection from the slithy tove inbox gets the award for most creative use of punctuation and capitalization. not to mention the excellent phrase "international karmic DOO DOO" which i will try to work into a conversation at least once today:

From: 0000000@hotmail.com
To: celia@slithy-tove.net
Subject: bad bad man
Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 10:17:18 -0700

That Brit is an arrogant tool for thinking you'd CARE what he has to say about the Tove! And if he devotes time and energy to spreading international karmic DOO DOO via the Internet, he can't be much of a firecracker in real life, himself!

Toodles!
A Fan of the Slithy-Tove

thank you for the warm fuzzy hate mail, all of you. and, from my apartment complex's newsletter:

June is...Child Vision Awareness month, Fireworks Safety Month, International Men's Month, Turkey Lover's Month, National Pest Control Month, Accordian Awareness Month, National Iced-Tea Month, National Rose Month, National Safety Month, Rebuild Your Life Month, Student Safety Month, National Fruit and Vegetable Month, and National Dairy Month

man, who knew we had that many reasons to celebrate this month? given that there are only so many days in June, i propose that we combine a few of the holidays in to larger, uber-holidays: International Men Control Month, National Turkey-Lover's Accordian Safety Month, or Rebuild Your Child's Vision Thru Roses, Dairy and Iced-Tea Month.

6.19.02 - it never rains but it pours

from the slithy tove inbox:

From: 00000000@aol.com
Date: Wed, 19 Jun 2002 18:41:51 EDT
Subject: anonymous hate
To: celia@slithy-tove.net

miz slithy,

you are frightfully lithe and fetching in a most venomous manner. your willingness to bare yourself online makes baby jesus cry, and i feel sure that your unwavering friendship and incessant sympathy would bear me hurtlingly doomward, you redheaded nyarlathotep. i thank my lucky stars that i've never known the horror of your acquaintance. a pox on your dainties! i love and miss, i mean, hate your stinking guts!

via e-mail.

if only all my hate-mail were worded so eloquently - it would be joy to read about how i've offended the online world with my neuroses and amateurish photos and lists of three. :) i'd better go check my dainties for any signs of pox, tho...that sounds bad. love you and miss you, too.

6.18.02 - from the slithy tove inbox:

From: "ZenCom" studio@zencom.fsnet.co.uk
To: celia@slithy-tove.net
Subject:
Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2002 13:29:36 +0100

jesus what a bore you must be in real life. And the arrogance to put it up for others to read is astonishing. Helloooo - you are very dull.

boo hoo hoo. someone out there doesn't think i'm very funny. i appreciate the anonymous comment, tho. maybe we should have a better forum for anonymous insults. anonymous tip: your blog is boring. anonymous tip: your feet smell. anonymous tip: you overused the word "anonymous" in today's post. well, i suppose i shall pick up the pieces of my shattered ego and continue to use slithy tove for what it is: a creative work space for me to explore anything that might be on my mind at the given moment, with zero responsiblity for being exciting or funny. it's terribly liberating. i can mispell things if i want to. i can use the wrong form of "it's". i can publish pictures of last week's trip to bruneau sand dunes (below) or lists of what is in my fridge as the fancy strikes.

the 80-hour work weeks have been keeping me from posting, but i had two (count 'em!) whole days off in a row this weekend and then the above piece of fan mail inspired me to get off my butt and post some pictures before i go to bed tonight.

Bruneau Sand Dunes, 10 June 2002